Britain is suffering an immigration invasion - by giant Spanish slugs which threaten to eradicate our own native slugs.
These slimy beasts are huge, voracious, and thriving - not to mention the fact that they feed on nearly anything.
Says slug expert Les Noble, of Aberdeen University, "These slugs are like conquistadors were to the Aztecs. Native slugs can’t keep pace and may become extinct.
"They are simply being overrun and when you consider the Spanish slug will happily make a meal out of a dead rabbit as much as out of dog muck [SWN - like the local kebab shop?] you can see why they are so successful.
"We have already seen when these slugs move into an area the native slugs vanish almost immediately. They can wipe out whole crops and prevent them growing there again."
Surely we should welcome them to Britain with open arms?
We are always told we should welcome everything foreign to these shores and let it set up home here - in fact that we should encourage it.
When foreign people take over an area everyone blathers about how enriching it is, about how it's so wonderful and vibrant that an area is now a foreign land.
Diseases and parasites that come with the enricher - the slugs apparently carry some too - we're not allowed to mention, that would be prejudiced.
If they breed faster than the native then we - or the indigenous slug - should just make more room for them until we have no room left.
The British slug should be grateful to be enriched so much - as he slides his slimy trail off into extinction he should think how lucky he is to have had his land colonised by the foreign slug.
After all, that's what we British people are expected to do. Why should the British slug be any different?